My friend recently reported that he received this terse bit of advice from a friend he admires and respects, which got me to thinking about passivity and cynicism (and the phrase “man up,” which means what, exactly?)
I cannot deny that there is a certain truth in this line of reasoning. The people we deal with every day rarely behave in ways that we’d like them to; we acknowledge that there is a weird justice embedded in the purely random way that the world will just slap a pretty face, at any moment, for no reason. Nice people get cancer; idiots win elections; dedicated teachers get t-boned in intersections; criminals live in spacious beachfront homes; young college students are robbed and shot dead while sitting in their cars; beautiful babies fall asleep every night, hungry and alone. Damn, don’t tell me that life is unfair.
These examples are extreme, I know, but they are honest, demonstrably so.
My personal injustices might not be so big, yet telling me that life is unfair/deal with it, is equivalent to telling me to shut up, that I have no power to change my circumstances — the grip that injustice has on my life is real. Beyond personal injustices, I share in the larger ones if I just observe them and do nothing, apply the “life is unfair” dictum, and so accept them as our lot in life.
And telling me to “man up” is to suggest, in some perverse way, that acceptance of this bitter truth is mature? masculine? It certainly elevates “masculinity” above all else, implying that to talk about injustice, however small you perceive it to be, is somehow weak, whiny, or “feminine,” perhaps? Counselor, I must object.
I do not understand why this line of thinking is not more transparent than it is, why strong minds do not see the oppression packed in this small phrase.
On the other hand: I get the futility of enumerating the opportunities and the breaks that we did not get, or perhaps lamenting the fact that we are just not good looking enough — and not rich enough, not intelligent enough, and not lucky enough either. Boring.
THIS IS WATER. It is easy to fall into a pattern of criticizing the world — and taking the time to bitch about it when it’s merely your turn just spreads misery around. It’s like the “I’m so busy” game. You complain about your to-do list, and suddenly two or three friends are standing in a circle, commiserating, trying to outdo each other with tales of how tall their stacks are, how little sleep they are getting, and so on. When I find myself in those moments — well, first, I secretly think that no matter what anybody else says, my stack is probably bigger, and second, although those conversations may be relief for some, they make we feel worse.
Did I just write myself around in a circle? Am I suddenly seeing the wisdom in “shut up”? Maybe. “Life is unfair — deal with it” is a way of acknowledging that this narrative is not the only narrative — quit complaining, take a breath, and share the world with the other folks who occupy this scintilla of history with you. For god’s sake, shut up.
(But I still won’t say “man up.” I just cannot.)
